


im just trying to swallow it

by EducationalAdmiral



Category: Bandstand - Oberacker/Oberacker & Taylor
Genre: Arguing, Canonical Character Death, Coping, Gen, Missing Scene, Past Character Death, Talking, Trauma, but jimmy always felt kinda... off in them, ive seen attempts at this scene before, so i took a stab at it, uhhhh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-29
Updated: 2018-12-29
Packaged: 2019-09-29 23:25:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,038
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17212820
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EducationalAdmiral/pseuds/EducationalAdmiral
Summary: She had not realized the tears that had come into her eyes until she registered the figure clouded by them, one slightly taller than Donny with blonde hair and circular frames rounding his eyes.“Jimmy? What are you doing here?”“I came to apologize to you.”“You didn’t do anything, it was Donny who-”“Can you let me talk, please?”///Or, Julia finds out that Jimmy was the one who told Donny not to tell her.





	im just trying to swallow it

**Author's Note:**

> Warning for discussion of past character death!
> 
> Title is from the song Blame You by Wakey! Wakey!

Despite Julia’s best wishes, her mother always opened the door. Some reason about how  _ it’s raining out there _ and _ those boys suffered enough- _ Julia didn’t really hear whatever her mother had spilled out. Instead, she worked on pulled herself out of the sofa cushions and preparing for the oncoming fight as the footsteps grew nearer- no words accompanying them.   
  
“Donny, I don’t want to hear whatever the hell you have to say-”   
  
“Julia, it’s not Donny.”   
  
She had not realized the tears that had come into her eyes until she registered the figure clouded by them, one slightly taller than Donny with blonde hair and circular frames rounding his eyes.   
  
“Jimmy? What are you doing here?”   
  
“I came to apologize to you.”   
  
“You didn’t do anything, it was Donny who-”   
  
“Can you let me talk, please?”   
  
The tension wracking Julia’s body was immeasurable, but she kept in tightly held in her balled up fists, trying not to take it out on Jimmy. She took a deep breath, then released it through her clenched teeth, turning her head slightly to the side and letting some of the anger dissipate out with the air. She turned back to Jimmy, seeing him clearly now, and took in his nervous posture: wringing hands, tense shoulders, and a look of absolute guilt.   
  
“What, Jimmy?” She asked, not holding back to annoyance in her voice.   
  
“Listen, I know you’re mad, and I suppose you have every right to be-”   
  
“Suppose?”   
  
“Julia, please. Just.. listen. I’m trying to find a way to say it, but I don’t know how. Please.”   
  
She raised an eyebrow, which Jimmy did not see because he was adamantly refusing to make eye contact, choosing instead to inspect the art hanging on the walls of Julia’s home.   
  
“It was my idea. Not to tell you, I mean.”   
  
“What do you mean, ‘it was your idea?’”   
  
“I told Donny not to tell you how… uh, how Rubber- how Michael died. It was my idea.”   
  
“Why would you tell him that?”   
  
“Because you didn’t ask directly and- and I knew you wouldn’t want to know. Look, I knew Michael. I might not have known you, but I knew you wouldn’t want to know.”   
  
Julia felt the anger bubble back in her chest, the tears spurring back in her eyes.   
  
“How could you know what I wanted? I wanted to know! You think I just wanted to move on, never knowing what happened to him? I didn’t get to say goodbye- I never got closure!”   
  
“Knowing doesn’t mean closure, Julia. I knew you’d be happier not knowing. I knew you wouldn’t want to know.”   
  
“That wasn’t your choice!”   
  
“But I was right, wasn’t I? Tell me you wouldn’t go back to before it happened, huh? Tell me you would ask Donny again, knowing now.”   
  
Julia hesitated at that, thinking briefly of the past couple of days that she called in work sick, unable to step out of her front door, trapped in her mind with the image of Michael’s burning corpse. Still, she insisted.   
  
“You couldn’t know. It wasn’t your choice.”   
  
Jimmy bit his lip, looking to the side. He puffed out a breath and made eye contact with Julia directly, intensely. Julia had to will herself not to flinch.   
  
“I knew Rubber. He loved you; he never did anything halfway. I knew it would hurt. Worse than imagining things ever could, knowing takes away the hope that it didn’t hurt. I knew what you would lose. I knew.”   
  
“I had the right to know. At least I know for certain now.”   
  
He glanced away from her, then back. She could see something in his eyes that she could not identify outside of hurt.   
  
“It’s worse.”   
  
“What the hell do you know, Jimmy? It wasn’t your choice. It’s my life- my trauma, what the hell could you know about it?”   
  
He broke eye contact, his face flickering to anger for a second- an expression that Julia had seen on Jimmy only once when they found out they had to pay their way to the competition. Then, it faded, being replaced by the tortured look from before. His jaw clenched as if he were holding back tears. Julia was shocked by the look, one she felt like she had seen on herself but no one else.   
  
“Jimmy-”   
  
“The point is,” he cleared his throat, squeezing his hand in front of his chest and not making eye contact, “don’t blame Donny. It’s not his fault. It’s mine.”   
  
She didn’t respond to him, just stared, trying to figure out what he wasn’t saying. He stood silently for a moment, then opened his mouth to speak again.   
  
“For what it counts, I’m sorry about what happened. I know it doesn’t make it better, but I am sorry. But it’s not Donny’s fault.”   
  
She watched him for a second, seeing as he debated saying whatever he was thinking.   
  
“War is full of bad things, accidents- hurt. But being angry about it doesn’t change anything. It just makes you alone.”   
  
“Donny killed him,” Julia mumbled unintentionally.   
  
“It was friendly fire. Donny didn’t mean to. Sometimes people just… get hurt. All we can do is try to stop any of it from happening again.”   
  
Julia nodded, trying to take the words and believe them. Jimmy smiled painfully, resting a hand on her shoulder for a second and squeezing it. She pulled him into a hug, using the proximity to ask him a personal question that he likely wouldn’t want anyone to know the answer to.   
  
“You lost someone, didn't you? During the war?”   
  
She whispered in as quietly as she could, her voice quivering as she released pent-up tears into Jimmy’s shoulder. She felt him nod, and then she felt a few small drops of water fall against her neck. They stood there, silently, for a few moments. Then, they both slowly pulled back.   
  
“For what it counts, I’m sorry too.”   
  
Jimmy nodded, smiling sadly.   
  
“I wouldn’t take it back, you know,” Julia said. “I would still love Michael, even knowing how much this would all hurt. But… I can’t say I’d... I’d still ask Donny how it happened.”   
  
Jimmy nodded again, his smile slipping from his lips.   
  
“Yeah, I know.”   


**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Comments and kudos are always appreciated!
> 
> Find me on Tumblr at [ EducationalAdmiral! ](https://educationaladmiral.tumblr.com)


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